Today is the official 5-year anniversary of Chris and mine’s relationship. Five years ago today we ate pad thai in a park that we’d gone to the first day we’d met, made our relationship official, and then pretty much decided we would be together for the rest of our lives.
It hasn’t been a perfect journey. There were parts that were downright awful, but we got past them, and I still commemorate the moment when I knew Chris was my future. It feels like every year with him I’m happier than the one before.
When I was young, I was so scared of love and divorce. I recited statistics on infatuation, and made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t marry anyone I hadn’t been dating for 5 years, to make sure the infatuation had worn off. The cosmic joke is on me there, because it did work out that we’ll marry later rather than sooner. The thing about Chris though, is that I’m still just so darn excited about him. As time passed some studies did come out looking at the brain waves of couples who claimed to be as passionately in love with their partners after 50 years of marriage as they were when they started.
Their brain waves mimicked couples in young love.
Somehow, some way… it’s possible to carry that first spark, to keep it alive as a glowing coal your whole life.
I used to think I was unloveable. For my body and personality type, I thought the statistical likelihood of finding someone who would enjoy me as much as I enjoyed them was impossible. I was wrong. I don’t know how I got so lucky. That I could find someone my height, my perfect ‘type’, who is hilarious and sweet and super intelligent, and loads of other great adjectives, who actually loves and supports me… I am grateful every day for that.
Today is also the day I was scheduled to get my test results. Not anything major, just that yearly test women have to go through. But there’s always that moment of pause, when you’re waiting for the automated computer to tell you whether they found cancer or not. That question of, what if…?
There’s been cancer in my family, on both sides, in relatives in their 80’s and newborns. Me having it isn’t an unlikely thing. And I know how quickly something as wonderful as an anniversary can turn into years of chemotherapy, radiation, and hospitals. Losing my hair. Having parts cut off. Losing things more important than that, like strength and the energy to write or even speak.
But that’s not my future this year. I shared the good news with Chris, and of course he was glad, but he said something else that stuck with me: we would get through it. Even though we are young and beautiful, and enjoy that, he would love me with no hair and a double masectomy.
I have long known I would love Chris no matter what happened to him. Exploring my capacity to love this way was incredible, and receiving that heartfelt message from him was the best anniversary present I could have gotten.
(Although the German cheese slicers were also very nice. Cheese slicers are kind of a thing in our relationship.)
That’s all I wanted to say. It’s my anniversary, and I don’t have cancer. And I’m very grateful.
Also get one of these cheese slicers. You won’t regret it.