I wrote out a huge long post on the philosophy of humanity that I’ve learned this year, but I decided not to post it. I don’t want to focus on the negatives. I’ve endured a lot of negatives this year, and though I could have had it much worse, it was still no picnic, and the most terrible thing I’ve gone through so far. So I’m done.
Do you hear me, universe? I’m done. I’m so effing grateful sometimes I could just cry. I am violently grateful. I want to shout how grateful I am, except I know probably no one finds it interesting but me, so I’ll just post it here. Read if you like.
1) I am so very grateful that I live in America, that the economy hasn’t collapsed yet, that the world hasn’t ended yet, that I live in a safe, profitable town and I have financial security.
Recently I interviewed a girl who had been homeless for two years. Homeless, and she still held down a job, trying to save up money for an apartment. I’ve never been homeless. I’ve always had someone to take me in. Hell, I could probably find a home in 25 of the 50 states if I needed one, just from people that already care about me.
2) I am grateful that my cat’s growth was benign, that God sent me a wonderful dog right to my doorstep, that I will have years with these creatures before I have to say goodbye to them.
3) I am grateful that my family is all still alive, despite breast cancer, despite heart conditions, despite a concussion that could have turned deadly, despite horse riding accidents and car accidents and bullies and school shootings. I didn’t lose anyone this year, and I am so, so grateful I’m tearing up as I write this.
4) I am grateful that I have an agent when so many are still stuck in the querying trenches. I have a story that hasn’t sold yet but my agent still believes in me and wants to give it another go with this rewrite. My laptop still works, I can afford internet, I haven’t pissed anyone off online, I won NaNoWriMo. I’m going to finish edits in December and go back out on submissions, and God willing I’ll land a book deal and then I’ll be a published author and just pray on my knees every day how thankful I am that my dream came true.
5) Most of all, I am grateful for Christopher. My parents fell in love at first sight, my grandparents did it, and I did it. When he left this year I collapsed. I made very bad decisions. I felt cut off from myself. I knew I would always miss him, not because we’re cosmic twins or soul mates or any nonsense like that, but because we were partners and we’d grown together like trees and when he left the part where we’d grown into each other got ripped apart. And even when we weren’t speaking and I was so mad and hurt I wished I’d never met him, he was still the only person I’d want to be with if I knew the world were ending.
I had to be more brave and more independent than I’ve ever had to be. I had to confront my own issues and figure out what I could be doing better. And despite a road so fraught with bumps some of them were mountains, Chris and I managed to get back together.
I tell him I love him every morning, we take a nap together every lunch, he’s the last person I talk to before I go to bed, and every. single. day. I am grateful that I was lucky enough to find my partner, and that somehow we were both strong enough to make it work. It’s hard to talk about how much he means to me because of how badly we both acted, but I’m not going to be ashamed of that time in my life anymore.
I feel so profoundly about Chris that I don’t have words for it, and I will not apologize. It’s not puppy love, it’s not desperation, and it’s not a syndrome. He’s my Person. And I’m so grateful I could never say it enough.
I hope that you have things in your life that make you so grateful you can’t speak, or you want to cry. I wish you a wonderful Thanksgiving with your friends and family, and I honestly hope that every happiness will be yours, no matter who you are or what you’ve done. Life is short and we mess up far too frequently to wish anything else.